The Mall Kiosk

If you've ever successfully escaped one of the mall kiosk associates... you're definitely one of a kind. And you NEED to share your tactics with me.

A few months ago I was walking through the mall, stopping occasionally to browse over the stores merchandise. Upon hitting the personal spending limit I set for myself before entering the mall, I began the trek back to my car... er, van.

I began glancing at the small kiosk's that spotted the interior of the mall. Some were selling green tea or splat balls. Others had curling irons and protein powders. And I had somehow managed to dodge every single one of them! A feeling of pride began to well up in my chest.

Until... she spotted me.

The facial cream, moisturizing, skin exfoliating mall kiosk employee.

Our eyes met for a brief second and a pang of worry resonated inside of me. Please don't stop me. Please don't stop me.

"Hi! Do you have a moment to try out our new product?"

It seemed as though she recognized my look of unsurety. She walked over to me and slipped her arm through mine as she guided me back to the stool placed underneath the green kiosk umbrella.

"Um. Sure." I barely mustered out.

She began opening bottles and pouring creams and jellies onto my arm. While "waiting" for the product to take effect, she said "I just moved here from Jerusalem yesterday. Utah is so nice!" I plastered a smile on my face and nodded my head.

After what seemed like an eternity of unwanted small talk, she looked down at my arm and gasped at the changes her magical scrub and cream had done. I realized she wasn't going to stop talking about it until I agreed with her.

She began boxing up a set of the products and walked over to her cash register. "Do you know how much this is?" I shook my head and began to protest that I really didn't want to spend any more money. "You're a student, aren't you?? I'll knock it down $100!"

Wow. $100? Can they even take that much off?

I shook the thought out of my head and again opened my mouth to explain to her that I truly did not want the product.

"I'll throw in free soap!"

Free soap, too?!

And then all of the sudden, I found myself handing her my debit card. My knuckles turned white from gripping so hard on the new bag of moisturizers I had just acquired as I watched her swipe the card.

Well. There goes the weekly b-dubs dinner for the next two weeks. And that book I was going to order online. Oh, and there goes my food.

I immediately began plotting to return each of the products at another time. Can you even return items to mall kiosks? But rather than risk being caught returning her beloved items, I began going through what I had bought previous to being taken captive by the nice Jerusalem lady.

"Want to go grab coffee?" I looked up at the lady and tried to kindly explain I didn't drink coffee. "Oh. Well, lunch?" I looked down at my phone and told her I had somewhere to be (I needed to make my escape!) "Ok! I will write down my email and phone number and you can tell me how much you like my product!"

I patiently waited for her to write down her information. I looked around at the countless people scurrying in and out of stores as they dodged the kiosks. The lucky souls.

It was almost as if the hundreds of passerby's were expressing their gratitude to me, for taking one for the team. I sat there, slumped in the cheap stool, thinking about my now drained bank account.

I had entered enemy territory and lost the battle.

After awkwardly taking the paper from her hands and attempting to escape an unwanted hug, I slowly walked away, feeling down, discouraged, and defeated.

I put my new items onto the bathroom counter and neglected them for what seemed like weeks. She promised the product would last a year and suddenly I realized it was only because I wasn't actually going to use them - they even had the potential to last multiple years.

One day I decided to try them out. I opened each of the bottles and racked my brain to remember exactly which order to use them. I sat down at my computer and searched for some instruction.

My research shed some rather unfortunate light: I bought water and salt.

I really need to learn how to say no.



[Enjoy this video done by Studio C. They know my pain.]